I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
