I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
