it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
