The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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