the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
