i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
