my phone needs a breathalizer
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
love makes seman taste better
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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