I wannas sexs uuuuu
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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