I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's intense
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
