how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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