i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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