well I can't set my house on fire every night
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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