Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
