I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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