the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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