just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
