Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
