I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
