Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
