I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
