She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
