No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
