Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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