I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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