I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
