whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
