My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have feelings that need drinking.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
