Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
