You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
