I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
