Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
