We're like a lot better than the average bears
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
