Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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