I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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