I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
