no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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