oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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