We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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