We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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