if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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