im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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