I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
