Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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