Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
