I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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