I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Everclear isn't food dammit
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
