I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
