It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
