no, he came in my armpit
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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