i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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