well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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