franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
