I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
