Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
